Category Archives: Loss

an update…sorta…

There have been so many changes in the last several months, and I have neglected to keep you all informed of the mighty way God has been working in my life. It’s coming…and very soon.

Stay tuned!

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Filed under Faith, Family, Loss, Marriage, Relationships

love story: part 2…

If you missed part 1 I would suggest catching up before continuing.

So where was I? Oh, yes…

I lived in fear of him eventually not wanting me, so I pushed him away and found reasons why he wasn’t good for me. And, he eventually decided he didn’t want to marry me. Remember, there are two sides to every story. This is my blog, and I will only ever discuss my faults and sins.

Now, I have a gown I’ll never wear, a veil I’ll never wear, and a stack of bridal magazines I don’t even know with what to do…

But….

This isn’t the end of the story. I promised you a love story, and I promised you a surprise.

My initial reaction was to be angry, bitter, hateful, and embarrassed. In a way, I felt like a jilted bride…I had to endure the questions of friends and family as to how E was doing, and did not I “miss him terribly!?” Then came the looks of pity and sorrow for me as I explained we were no longer engaged. It was as if my heart were being ripped from my chest every time.

I’ve been going through the motions, feeling hurt, feeling confused, and teetering on the edge of wanting to scream at God, “Will it ever be my turn!?!?!”

And then the love story truly unfolded as God wrapped His perfect, capable arms around me, held me close, and whispered sweetly to me….

“Trust me. I love you.”

All this time, the love I’ve been craving and seeking has been there the whole time. All this time, I had all I needed.

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth.” John 1:14 (ESV)

Take a moment to read this verse again…

“And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us..”

Christ left His perfect and heavenly home to take on the form of sinful man and live among sinful men…why? So He could pursue us…so He could love us…so He could lay His life down for us so we would be redeemed.

Soak it in…this truth, which Christ is as the second half of this verse states.

We think of love as this fuzzy feeling we get when a cute boy or girl enters the room and our stomachs twist and turn…our hearts race…and we can’t seem to make a coherent sentence…at least this is what the world feeds us as “love”.

The truth about love: it’s an action. It is a daily action of dying to yourself, and placing someone else’s needs above your own. That is exactly what Christ did for us…

He left His home. He left behind His comfort. He suffered the limitations of His new form. He endured the sin all around Him. He did this because it was what “we” needed, and He cared more about what “we” needed than what might make Him more comfortable. He didn’t HAVE to die for us…God didn’t HAVE to save any of us, but He did because He loves us…

“ But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.  For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God..” Ephesians 2:4-8 (ESV)

We were dead. We needed to be made alive. So Christ sacrificed everything to pursue us because of His great love for us.

I’ve known this…always known this…but I still don’t always embrace it.

I don’t regret my time with E. I will always treasure it. I learned so much about the vastness of God’s love and forgiveness. E was an instrument of change in my life. Our time together opened my eyes to who it was God had fashioned me to be…and who it was He had called me to be…

Wholly His. No matter the cost…I belong wholly to Christ. And I will submit to His headship.

I laid marriage on the metaphoric alter. Will I ever get married? I don’t know. Will I ever lack a beautiful love story? No. I have the privilege of living out the most incredible love story ever, and so do you…all you have to do is surrender to Him.

“For God so loved the world,that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.” John 3:16-17 (ESV)

Next on A Journey Of Joy: forgiveness.

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Filed under Faith, Loss, Marriage, Relationships

brush of thorns…

Suffering. It’s universal. We all suffer. Even Christ suffered; I would say more than any human could ever imagine. How do we deal with suffering? How do we rationalize the very idea of suffering? What do you say to someone in pain? Someone so hurt by circumstances they would hurl themselves into brush full of thorns. Someone so hurt by loss they would wail to the point of nearly fainting. What do you do? How do you help? Where is the hope?

A family in our Masai community lost a loved one: a brother…a son. I am not a mother, and I can’t even begin to understand what it must feel like to lose your son. I am a sister, but I have been fortunate to have never experienced the loss of a brother. I’ve lost loved ones: my grandfathers…my grandmothers…cousins…other extended relatives. There has been intense grief, but I’ve never felt so compelled by grief to inflict physical pain upon myself. Is this just a cultural difference? Is this a result of knowing my loved one’s were eternally secure?  Is America so detached from truth we no longer feel real grief?

I’ve never seen friends and family rally together as I have seen this family and community come together. No sympathy cards. No covered dishes. No, “I’m sorry” and then just walk away. Here…they cook…they clean…they stay…they care. It may not all make sense. I’m boggled by it in many ways. Some of the things they say such as: “Stop crying.  No more tears.” I don’t understand…but then again…friends are washing the families clothes…friends are gathering massive amounts of firewood…friends are spending the night to care for the family…friends are donating to pay for services…

It’s community. It’s caring. It’s grieving in their own way. No detached cards to keep you from having to feel something…no casserole to send which will freeze beautifully…genuine caring for one another.

As followers of Christ, we have a hope. A hope for all eternity. This family…they have hope. Not many here do, but this family does. While they grieve, they know God is sovereign in all things…even in death. They hurt for the loss, but rejoice in the knowledge their loved one is no longer suffering from physical deterioration…no…their loved one is praising God…in His very presence praising our Heavenly King!

Suffering…

We can endure because we have a hope. No matter the suffering…we can endure because He endured. It is through our suffering and endurance that we become more and more like Him.

I grieve with my friends here, but I celebrate with them as well; for their son/brother is with our Lord and Savior! Won’t you grieve and rejoice with us?

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Filed under Faith, Kenya, Loss

what to write…

Back in Texas, and I’m at a loss for words. I don’t know what to write. I feel so many different things, and I think most of what I’m feeling is nonsense. Forced to make decisions that I don’t want to make if I’m going to live the life Christ called me to live. Relationships ended. Hearts broken. Love lost.

And still God reigns supreme. The world is still turning. God is still on His throne.

Sheesh…it all sounds so trite. So flippant. And it most definitely is not.

So what is going on with me!?!?!

I know I don’t always get what I want, and I know that in the end it wasn’t really what was right for me. God knew, and I just need to accept that some things aren’t going to turn out as I would like.

Currently I feel trapped between wanting one life, yet knowing I need to pursue the other life; even when the other life is really what I want, yet the one life would be nice, too….but it’s not attainable.

Now that I am officially making no sense, I’m done.

Perhaps next time I’ll have something worthy to read.

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Filed under Loss, Musings

it’s time…

To face the music.

I think about the frivolous nature of man, and it kills me…the “stuff” that people waste their money on. Then I get infuriated even more when I think of how little we really need to survive. To live full lives.

We’re lazy. That’s what it is…just completely lazy. We waste so much for “convenience”, but really we’re just lazy.

I’m coming home because I was frivolous in regards to school. It was wasteful, and now I’m paying the price.

Gotta face the music, and take care of my mess. I don’t have to keep living a frivolous life; I have a choice.

That’s one of the greatest gifts God gave us: the ability to choose.

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Filed under Loss

plankeye says it well…

it’s difficult to say goodbye after only one life
the rain will fall down replenishing all of our broken dreams
and this burning tree that’s withering will bloom again
would you believe

goodbye, goodbye
walk away it’s time to say goodbye

now all that’s left , pictures on the walls
memories and stories that are told
the more often told the bigger they get
create a legacy lest we forget

goodbye, goodbye
walk away it’s time to say goodbye

no longer can i hold onto this defeated change in heart, i swear
it’s time to sing “fare thee well” to life as we know it
my voice it will be, you know i will be, yes it will be still
something woke me up in the midst of dream and fantasy
halfway there but He always fills my cup
and He lifts me up oh how He lifts me up

goodbye, goodbye
walk away it’s time to say goodbye

i never took the time to stop and realize that death takes many forms
even while alive

 

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Filed under Faith, Kenya, Loss

list of needs…

This week I have had the priviledge of watching God do some amazing things! Within the realm of the amazing things He is doing is reducing the number of items on my list of needs!

The original list:

  1. At least two guitars to leave behind.
  2. A mandolin to leave behind.
  3. A good keyboard to leave behind.
  4. Flight Case for the keyboard
  5. Perhaps a bass guitar to leave behind/an amp?
  6. A djembe to leave behind..or two.
  7. An iPod docking station that runs on batteries/lots of batteries.
  8. An MP3 recorder.
  9. A laptop that will allow me to do some recording and music transcription/finale or something similar.
  10. A plane ticket.
  11. An additional plane ticket for March
  12. Finances for the missions conference in June
  13. Monthly living expenses.
  14. Health insurance while I’m there.
  15. Portable battery operated amps

The list now:

  1. Guitars
  2. Keyboard
  3. Flight case
  4. ipod docking station
  5. Plane ticket for March
  6. Finances for Missions conference in June
  7. Health Insurance
  8. Portable battery operated amps
  9. Monthly support

The keyboard and flight case should be purchased soon as well as the ipod docking station! The list is getting shorter and shorter thanks to our Heavenly Father’s provision!

He also let me see one of my favorite people last night!

Don’t worry…I haven’t forgotten to tell you about my best day ever. It’s still being processed! Stay tuned for that post.

Please pray for the family of a lovely lady who passed last night. This amazing woman was a great lover of God and music. She now resides in the presence of our Lord, but pray for those whom she leaves behind. Pray for peace.

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Filed under Faith, Kenya, Loss