from the plane on october 25th…

I’m sure I’ve made many mistakes before now in regards to this trip, but the luggage is definitely the big and noticeable one! I screwed up…daddy told me to do some research and I didn’t. I just flat-out didn’t, and as a result we are going to have to ship at least two bags which both weigh about 150lbs each. Not good. Shipping is going to be OUTRAGEOUS!!!! The whole time we were checking in our luggage at the airport, and of course we were running late because we weren’t packed like we should have been, I was getting more and more emotional. The loop playing in my head: “see….you’re not equipped to do this; you should just turn around now. Get back in the truck. Go home to your unemployment and dog.”

(Pardon my French) BS!

Yes, I made a mistake. Yes, I should have known better, but the bottom line is that I’m going to make a hundred and one mistakes, and then some….Satan has been trying to convince me for the last few weeks that this thing I’m doing…serving God as He has called me…is futile. Satan has done well to get me to convince myself that it would be better to just not try than to go and allow God to use me for His glory.
You see, the human in me wants to succeed. It wants the glory. It wants to be praised for the good job. It wants to reap the earthly rewards for a job well done. (Insert barf sound here)

We, humans, are so wretched. I played right into Satan’s hands. I essentially just gave him free reign to do with me as he wished. Aaaaaannnnndddddd…..he did.

Satan uses my “logical” thinking to keep me from fully trusting. The moment things are unclear, or something begins to go wrong, my mind goes into overdrive with, “well….maybe there isn’t a God. I mean, really, logically none of it makes any sense. Why would a loving God give His son for such an idiot like me? It’s all my fault that this isn’t working out like it’s supposed to…I did this…and this…and this…wrong. What does an amazing and powerful God need with such a screw up like me?”

It’s the mistakes that allow for the most glory. The more mistakes I make the more God is glorified. What do I mean, you ask? Well…you see, I’m still willing to be used despite my foolishness, and so God will use my idiot moments to fulfill His plan. The more I’m an idiot, the more it’s not about me. The more it’s not about me, the more God is truly glorified. It is not by my own strength that His will is accomplished, but through his graciousness and mercy.

I’m freaking out. I’m worrying, and yes I know it’s a sin…so that just adds to the list of my vast imperfections. I don’t see how some things are going to get done when I have limited resources and much that’s required of them. BUT….that’s the point. I’m not supposed to see. I can’t see. I just have to allow God to work it out according to His plan. Ahhh…now here’s where it gets a little fuzzy because my logical mind starts to go crazy again…”well, you prayed for everything to go smoothly. You prayed for God to take care of all that needed to be done. You prayed for..you prayed for….YOU PRAYED FOR…AND He DIDN’T answer.” No. Not exactly. You see, I still have that freedom of choice. I still have that ability to make mistakes despite what people pray; despite what I pray. God still needs us to do what we’re supposed to do. Just because He will still be glorified through His working out His plan despite me doesn’t mean I’m “off the hook”. I still have to acknowledge my idiocy, and work towards not making the same mistake twice (yeah, right).

The path to holiness is just that….a path. We cry out to God and seek Him through accepting his grace and mercy, and that allows us to strive for holiness…but we’ll never perfect it. Doesn’t mean we live life purposely making mistakes because we can confess and be forgiven…no….it means we must put on His strength every day, and allow God to use our foolishness to perfect us for the day we will behold His glory.
So, I’m on the plane. I’m on my way to Nairobi, and I’m still bouncing between trusting and not trusting. I know this is one of my “issues” if you will. I know it’s all a cycle, but I used to not know. Praise God for allowing me to get to a point that I am able to recognize the cycle and it’s dangers. Praise God that He has given me wisdom to use the very thing that causes me to distrust: my wretched mind.

I wish I wouldn’t have to relearn this lesson every time I was foolish, but I’d rather learn the lesson and be on the path to perfection, than to not be. What’s the alternative? Total disbelief? Being cast from His grasp?

No…there is no alternative.

Dad and I are on our way. We will rest in God’s will as that is all we can do. I will not dwell on what occurred, but rather I will fix my eyes upon that which He has in store for me in the next few days…weeks…months…and year(s). That’s all I can do. It’s what I’m called to do.
It’s what we’re all called to do.

I would be lying if I said I’m completely thrilled and without any sadness at what is ahead of me, so I won’t. It will not be by my own strength, but by God’s alone that will get me through this “thing” that He has called me to do. I have to be careful to NOT compare myself to other women of faith. Other women who were called by God to sacrifice and serve in ways that most don’t understand. I catch myself saying, “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you be more like Elizabeth Elliot or Amy Carmichael? EE served and loved the very people that killed her husband. AC served in India, single, for 90% of her life. She gave up everything to be the “mother of India”. God’s calling you to go to a place that you love and serve the people whom you love. What’s the big deal?” Well…I’m slowly coming to terms that this is going to be my life, and my life is continuing to be drastically different than I had imagined or hoped…and with that is some very real grief. I will look on this moment of mourning and Praise God for the mourning. The life He is calling me to is the life that will draw me closest to Him…and thus it will bring me joy and peace. Whereas the life that I longed for would never have brought me joy or peace because it would have not been the life to which I was called.

Most people, I would venture to say, don’t comprehend this, and thus live blinded and discontent. They are discontent due to not being in the will of God, and so they are always striving for that which they cannot grasp.

Then there are those who know what they are to do, but actively don’t do it. These individuals also live their life full of discontent. Their hearts anxious and restless through their disobedience.

We only have one life. That’s all. One opportunity to serve God with our every breath. Why would we want to do so actively being disobedient? Why would we want to live each day settling for mediocrity? Why would we not want to live our life as Jesus lived…fully every day? Never being satisfied with status quo, but utilizing each breath to further the Kingdom of Heaven.

I would not be content with the standard of the world. With going to work serving the world so that it may keep it’s blinders in place…no…God knows that my heart would not survive stuck in an office working for money and possessions…God knows my heart better than I know my own heart. God knows that which will bring me ultimate joy and contentment:

Him.

That’s all. There is nothing more. There is nothing less.

My flesh, my heart, is mourning the loss of what it thought it needed, but my soul is rejoicing in my sorrow. For out of my sorrow will be my ultimate peace. Out of my sorrow will He be glorified.

And my soul longs to be used by Him for His glory. Not my own.

Thank you, Lord, for removing the blinders from my eyes that I may see. Thank you, Lord, for giving me the opportunity to be used by you in a way that will satisfy me because of how YOU made me. Thank you, Lord, for You are holy and deserve my praise. May my heart always cry out for you, and may my heart not be so quick to disbelieve. God, teach me to be faithful. Teach me to keep my eyes upon you. Teach me to be more like you so that I may draw nearer to you. God, my life is not my own, and I thank You that it belongs to You. May the words of my mouth and the desires of my heart and the actions of my life reflect You at all times, and glorify You. Tear down that which is in me that displeases you. Purify the wretchedness in my heart so that it will be more like yours. Father, lift up my head and fix my eyes on You and only You. I beseech Thee to hear my prayer. Glory to God!

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