The more I pray about it, and the more I look at the last year, I must come to the conclusion that I am to sacrifice it to the Lord. My heart breaks. I feel so intensely lost. Incomplete. Wandering in the dessert that is my life. When will the wandering end? I suppose the moment that the Lord calls me home. I look forward to that day, but thus far the Lord has other plans in mind.
I only wish He’d share them with me, too.
In times of distress, aren’t we to draw nearer to the Lord? I feel as though He continues to be further and further from me.
The more I cry for help, the more helpless I feel. How is this to end? How is this to come about? I don’t know. I feel very frightened. Alone. I imagine Sarah must have felt similar feelings. Every day she grew older. Every day that passed without conceiving a child. Every day…every day… Did she think the Lord had forsaken her? I see her story, and cringe at her disbelief. What a hypocrite I am. All the things that God has done for me. All the times He has shown me significant grace. Can grace be anything except significant? I think not…I digress. I should be satisfied. Content. Pleased with not knowing. Shouldn’t I be? How do I get there?
When will help come? I’ve cried out time and time again for it…when does it come? When? WHEN!? Will no one tell me?!?
No one knows.