Dear Reader,

This will be the last entry that I reference and speak of the past in relation to ME.

This past week, as I was on choir tour, I was reminded of a few things.

  1. I love to sing. It’s really what I want to do – sing, and through it minister and love people.
  2. I am loved. I don’t deserve the love that is bestowed upon me, none of us do, but yet I am loved just the same.
  3. I have, for far too long, allowed an individual’s treatment of me dictate my life and how I feel about myself.

I could list all the things he did. All the hurts I bore at his hands, but at the end of the day it doesn’t matter. I said farewell. The whole week was a great time of healing, and a wonderful opportunity to say farewell. I have a great excitement about life that I haven’t felt in so long. This isn’t the end of something, it’s the beginning of something. The next chapter in my life is completely unknown. I have no idea what to expect, and yet I’m thrilled at the unknown. God is SOVEREIGN! Is He not? Let me answer that for you…He is!

I struggled, and still do to a certain extent, with great bitterness towards ME. I am very angry at him for what he did. I am very angry at me for allowing him to treat me with such low regard. I’m sometimes catching myself feeling as Jonah must have, that He will recieve grace just as the Ninevites surely did, and wanting to scream out at God, “why won’t you punish him…he hurt me!” That’s not God’s way…seventy times seven, right? He seems to have everything he wants in life. He has his fancy car. His fancy job. His fancy toys. His much sought after relationship. I was jealous…not that he had “things” but that he had the “things” that he wanted at the expense of my heart and feelings. That he could walk all over someone, use them, and at the end of the day find happiness despite what he did. “Lori, I never wanted your love.” Well…then you shouldn’t have accepted it for so long. “Lori, you don’t want lots of money. You just want to support a husband. I want money. What’s wrong with that?” Nothing.

But then I realized….he may be wealthy according the world’s standards, but without the assurance of the love of Christ…he’s a poor man. I pray that he finds truth in the love of Christ. In the death of Christ. I pray earnestly for his soul. I pray for mine…for it is wretched, indeed. The bitterness doesn’t hurt him; it only hurts me. He doesn’t care. He never cared, and so why would he care now?

The most beautiful part…my heart, my broken heart…the Lord is healing it. Weaving together the very fibers that were ripped apart with ease by someone who never could care about anyone except himself.

I don’t love him anymore. I don’t even miss him…not even the “good” times. There were never any “good” times…only an illusion that I had created for myself as I allowed him to use me for his own selfish gain.

The problem with lies is that eventually the truth comes out. Now or in ten or twenty years…it comes out. Your “true self” will be revealed. You can only maintain an “image” for so long. Here I am. I am flawed. I love hard. I hurt just as hard. I struggle with being bitter just as hard! I am an ugly, awful individual. Yet I was bought with the most valuable thing ever to be on earth…the blood of Christ. Only through His gracious nature can I be found worthy of anything at all. I pray for ME. I pray that he finds the same grace, that cleanses me, for his own. I want nothing but joy and prosperity for him. True joy. True prosperity.  

ME…farewell. I’m ready for what’s next, and it doesn’t include you. I thought that would make me sad, but, actually, it doesn’t.


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Filed under Loss, The Past

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