the looks on their faces…

Tomorrow I must return to school after finding out that I have not been accepted into any of the programs to which I applied. I’m dreading the looks on their faces…my classmates faces. Will it be pity? Will it be sadness? Will it be arrogance? It will be hard, and I feel ashamed.

I’m allowing my circumstances to determine my worth. My pop says I should take on a “forget you world” attitude, square up my shoulders, and hold my head high.

I think, in my mind, that nobody at school, teachers included, really believed I could have gotten into a program. Maybe I didn’t either. I don’t know.

I’m not sure why this occurred. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do next. I do feel quite lost; like I’m in a labyrinth, and David Bowie is taunting me with his creepy striped spandex pants. Except I don’t have any puppets to help me get through! My life is the labyrinth, David Bowie is Satan, and the puppets are God…but I don’t have any. Holy moly…did I seriously compare my life to a Jim Henson movie? Sheesh…I need to get out more.

Seriously. I’m stuck in wait mode. I have been for some time now. Until I learn to be content with what ever circumstances I find myself I will continue to be in wait mode. Why am I still in wait mode? Well, Pastienro gave me a good talking to which helped me start to look at things from a different perspective. Am I in a desert because I need to repent, or am I in a desert because I’m in a desert? Have I been seeking God more because I thought He would be my lucky charm, or have I been seeking God more because I love Him and desire a deeper relationship with Him? Ahhh…the plot thickens!

So I’ve been waiting for roughly ten years for Him to show me what He wants me to do…to take me to the next step…Abraham and Sarah waited a lot longer than that, and when they tried to take matters into their own hands, well, that didn’t work out so well, did it?

I don’t know any answers. I don’t know what’s next. I do know I have much to accomplish in just a few weeks…two to be exact or I’m not going to graduate. Can I do it? Yes. So I guess I better.

I’m not going to pretend that I’m ok. I’m not going to pretend that my heart is covered in a great peace, because it’s not. Will I get there? Yes. Do I believe that God has a wonderful plan for my life? I don’t know! Define wonderful.

I’m angry, but I think my bitterness might not be taking root as much as it would like. I know what bitterness can do. I’ve seen it, firsthand, destroy a friendship. I don’t want it to dictate my life – my actions any longer. I choose my reactions, and it’s time to choose wisely. Maybe the chic in the labyrinth needed MacGyver to construct a bomb out of gum and a paper clip to blow the labyrinth to bits. My faith is MacGyver, or at least it needs to be…ever faithful and never giving up hope; using the tools that are all around me to overcome the obstacles set before me.

HA! I’m silly.


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Filed under Faith, Musings

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