Well, I spent the afternoon feeling mighty sorry for myself. Then, after yelling on the phone about how God has obviously forgotten about me to my sister-in-law (thanks Nicole), I decided I needed a little bit of perspective. How does one get a little perspective, you ask? One, being me, watches “The Passion of The Christ,” that’s how. Extreme? Maybe. Effective? Yes. As I am watching the flesh being torn from His, Jesus’, skin I am reminded of just how much He bore for me. Then I am quickly reminded of the passage in John:
“15I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him.”
As I was wallowing in my self-pity, I said to my sister-in-law after she reminded me God had a wonderful plan for my life that sometimes some people just have crummy lives. She responded that yes, that is indeed true, but that we were never guaranteed happiness and our (Christian’s) joy doesn’t come from our circumstances, it comes from our faith and knowledge of our salvation in Jesus Christ. As I’m listening to her I’m thinking, “yeah, but God’s done it this time…He’s forgotten, and I’m over it! If He wanted me to be mad at Him, then He’s accomplished His goal.” You wanna know the really ridiculous part? I still have two more schools to hear from.
It’s so easy to focus on the negative. The “no’s” instead of all the good that God has done. I cried and yelled at God, “Why did you save me? Why didn’t you just let me die if you were always going to tell me no and take away the things that I cherish?!” I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t want to be brutally beaten and then hung on a cross to die for lousy unbelieving me, but He did. I was actually mad at God for saving my life. For sparing me death when He didn’t have to spare me. I was actually mad at God for saving me from two bad relationships. I was actually mad at God for allowing me to get an education and learn how to cultivate the gift of song that He has given me instead of allowing me to be married to someone who would not have been a spiritual leader nor would he have loved me as God commands a man to love his wife.
Shame on you God! Shame on you for protecting me from the things for which I couldn’t protect myself! Shame on you, God, for not allowing me to go to either of these schools, and possibly any of these schools, just because they were what I wanted. Shame on you, God, for not giving me what I wanted when obviously I know what’s best for me…as I have such a great track record with knowing what’s best for me.
Perspective…it’ll do wonders for your self-loathing soul. Too bad I can’t bottle “perspective” and sell it…I’d be a bagillionaire!