drives me crazy…

I felt it was high time that I come out of hiding, and so here is my attempt to emerge from my turtle position and share what has been on my heart. Albeit, it isn’t anything new. Same old struggles. Same old correction from God. But, perhaps, some new insights? I dunno…let’s take a gander…

Still no word as of March 9, 2010 at 9:45 am on the graduate school front. I expect that to change at any moment in the next week or so. To be perfectly honest, it couldn’t come sooner. The anticipation is KILLING me! I guess I mean that figuratively, as I am alive and well. I am getting asked, at least, once a day, “What are you going to do if you don’t get into a graduate program?” To say I hadn’t thought about it would be a lie, although I haven’t given serious thought to a plan ‘b’. What are some options?

  1. Move home. Get a job.
  2. Move into an apartment. Get a job.
  3. Cry hysterically. Move home. Get a job.
  4. Cry hysterically. Move into an apartment. Get a job.
  5. Become exceedingly angry at God. Cry hysterically. Move home. Get a job.
  6. Become exceedingly angry with God. Cry hysterically. Move into an apartment. Get a job.

I’m sensing a pattern here. In reality, I will be sad if the outcome isn’t acceptance into a program, but it will, indeed, not be the end of the world. My prayer, as of late, has been for God to grant me peace and contentment with the outcome. I must choose every moment of every day to rest and trust in His sovereignty (which is something I do not do well).

I was talking to a friend last night, and I verbalized how I never thought I would have to be in this position. How many people have felt that? Have felt lost because they never thought that they would be in the current position that they find themselves; having to make decisions about things they never intended on pursuing. I never intended on graduating college. I believe in education. I believe in higher education. I believe in learning. I just always thought I would be married and the mother to *insert some random number* children by now. I always felt I was designed to be a caregiver. To love and take care of a family. I never intended to work, but just be a stay-at-home mom. Yet I find myself pursuing an undergraduate degree and now trying to be in a position to pursue a graduate degree.

So, here I am, at a loss as to what to do with my life. Perhaps if I had realized I wouldn’t be a wife who was being financially provided for by her husband I would have chosen a degree that might actually provide me with some kind of income! That kind of thought is dangerous, because who am I to say to the Lord, “Your leading me to HBU to complete a Bachelor Degree in Music – Vocal Performance was a mistake. How can I provide for myself!? You made a mistake! I”m going to be destitute and alone!” My thoughts whirl in my mind in complete chaos! Haven’t I learned this lesson already? Have I not seen the hand of God leading me? Guiding me? Bringing me right to this place? Yes! He’s guided my every step, waited patiently whilst I wandered off the path, and guided me back into His embrace with grace and mercy. He’s brought me back to life, removed me from situations that would have eventually destroyed me, allowed me to wallow in my sin, taught me what it really means to love, sent me all over the world to see His creation and minister to His people, and I despise Him for it. I’m an ungrateful child who deserves nothing that He gives me. This I’ve always known, yet I still demand of Him my heart’s desires and get mad when He doesn’t deliver.

Why? Because I’m a sinful being who believes the lies that Satan spews in my ear because I want to be glorified instead of wanting to glorify God. Because I’m a selfish being. Because unless I submit my will to God every moment of every day, I will always be a selfish being.

What will God do with my life? I don’t know. What will I do if I don’t get into a graduate program? I don’t know. Do I like not knowing? Nope. I guess All these questions and more will be answered, I just don’t know when or how. Drives me crazy, and I”m not referring to that silly pop song and movie from the late 90’s, either.

What about my singleness? Well, that’s for another post. Stay tuned.

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