a story, my story…my audition story…

So, I’ve been on three auditions so far, and here’s what I know:

  1. I did NOT get into FSU.
  2. I’m a bit bummed by that result.
  3. I went sharp in my Eastman audition, and well…I might have come off as a little cuckoo in my interview.
  4. I found out moments before my Boston audition that I didn’t get into FSU, and I didn’t quite recover from it; had to start a piece over…that’s never good.
  5. I have one audition left at Indiana University.
  6. I have chosen not to audition at Ohio State.

So..what does all this mean? Well for starters it means I’m not moving to Tallahassee, which is a bit of a bummer because I like the city very much. Why? Let me tell you:

  1. It is really beautiful
  2. It is warm (I like warm)
  3. The sun shone with great radiance in January! (that’s always a plus..if I can wear a tank and shorts in January)
  4. The school itself..lots of school spirit. (I’ve always wanted to be affiliated with a university that is a great cohesive community with school spirit.
  5. It’s close to home..closer than all the other choices.

FSU wasn’t my number one choice, but I had gotten it in my head that that might have been where God wanted me to go..obviously not. This is cause for great concern because I’m realizing I don’t know how to hear God. I don’t know how to listen for His voice. I don’t know His will for my life. I don’t know much. I’m not a fan of this not knowing business..makes me highly uncomfortable. I want to sing. I want to travel. I want to help people. I want to love people. How does it fit into His will for my life? What IS His will for my life?!? Why is this question so hard to answer?

It really has been an incredible journey. Getting on a plane. Flying to the unknown all by yourself. Navigating a new place that is not anything like where you come from except that it is civilization. Staying in a hotel…I like staying in hotels, not sure why. Riding the trains, buses, taxis. Meeting new people. Seeing the schools, and relishing the idea of a new adventure in an unknown place. Six years ago I would not have had the courage to do this. To put myself on the line, and say no matter the outcome I’m just gonna go for it! I applied to some really tough programs. These are high standards. Was that a mistake? Maybe. Did I feel led to apply to any other schools? No. But, then again we have already established that I don’t know how to decipher the will of God…so I could have seriously screwed up, right?

I don’t know how this is all going to turn out. Not a clue. I do know that it’s going to be all Gods doing. Not that it wouldn’t be if I had applied to some “lesser” schools, but if this has shown me nothing else it has shown me this:

I cannot succeed under my own power. It is not my strength or my ability that will get me anywhere. It is only the grace of God, the favor of God, that will allow me to progress to something else in this world. And even then, only if it is a part of His plan to further His kingdom. I am a saint. A chosen one. He chose me before the world was ever in existence. It still overwhelms and baffles me that He did, but nevertheless, it is what it is. I can’t earn this honor, of being His child. I can’t justify it by boasting my great talents and abilities..cause frankly..without Him..I have none. I just need to accept it. Why is it so difficult to accept the grace and love of God?

This is not a rhetorical question…seriously, why is it so difficult to accept the grace and love of God?

I’ve enjoyed exploring and experiencing. Moving away from home frightens me. I’m often lonesome here, at home, so I’m definitely going to be lonesome away from home. Even more so, and there’s no way for mom and pop to hop in the car and come hang with me on a Tuesday night and watch a silly movie. I’m blessed with some incredible parents who have sacrificed for me to take this journey. To experience this adventure. I fear I’m letting them down if I don’t get accepted into a program. My head knows this is not the case, but my heart feels that way of its own accord. Silly heart.

I want so desperately to know the will of God. The more I want to know the more elusive it becomes. God wants me to live in the now. Perhaps the will of God isn’t something you know, it’s just something you stumble upon when He’s ready for you to stumble upon it. Perhaps you don’t even know you’ve stumbled upon it until you’re so far in the will of God you don’t remember what it was like to be out of the will of God.

Meh..now I’m just rambling, and well..I’ve been rambling.

I’m torn and frightened that I’ve manufactured that voice of God, and have jumped on a path of my own. I guess time will only tell, right?

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