on the outside i look calm, cool, and collected, but on the inside….

So I had promised an intense blog, and I shall deliver. It is proving to be a bit more difficult to write than first thought.

What have I been up to since last we spoke? I’m so glad you asked!

Applying to graduate programs, freaking out, allowing self-doubt to cloud my heart and mind, giving Satan full reign, succumbing to the pitfalls that I so often fight, and speaking harshly to someone who, while I might think they deserved it, I shouldn’t have spoken to in the manner in which I did. So, to sum it up, I’ve been busy being human, and not being holy. Epic fail. However, God’s grace sure is sufficient, and He purifies me and I keep on truckin’.

So…about these applications…

I seem to yo-yo between complete peace and joy about the will of the Lord concerning my future musical studies, and not trusting Him at all. I have to leave it in His hands. If I don’t, well…that’s when Satan get’s a hold of me. I’m just not that good at waiting on Him, which is why I experience so much hurt. Huh? Let me explain. I think, for me and perhaps others, the reason why we have so much heartache is that we get impatient. We begin to believe that God’s timing isn’t perfect timing, and we know better. What do we do? We begin to try to control our lives. We enter into relationships or situations that were not God’s plan for us, but we didn’t want to wait any longer. As a result, we hurt. Relationships or situations that are not according to God’s plan are sinful? Anytime we tell God He isn’t working in our lives “correctly” is sinful. Entering into things not of God is sinful. GAH! So you mean when I don’t wait on the Lord I’m being sinful? Yep…man…I’m such a sinner.

I’m scared. I’m scared that I won’t get into one of these programs. Why am I scared? If I don’t get accepted does it mean I’m not smart? No. Does it mean I’m not a good singer? No. Does it mean I stink in general? Only if I haven’t showered, but that doesn’t have any bearing on my being accepted or not. If I don’t get accepted does it mean God has something else in mind? Yep. Will it be better than going to grad school? Yep. But how could that be? Because it will be of God’s choosing and not of mine.

There is this person that I have been really angry and bitter towards for a very long time. Actually, I’ve been mad at God. I’ve been mad at God because He answered my prayer. All I saw was that I was losing, but in reality God was giving. I asked for removal, and I got it..only I saw that the thing I longed for was being taken away..but it was what I asked! The heart is a fickle thing..it cannot be trusted. It’s of the flesh…stupid flesh. I was mad at God for giving me the very thing I knew I needed, the very thing I asked for, and for loving me enough to hear my cry. I’ve been trying to get God to give it back to me, only it just goes further and further away. I know it’s not right for me. I know it is only a source of hurt and pain, but I want it! I’m a stubborn whiny child. God is pruning me. He’s telling me to wait. He’s telling me to be content with the illumination for the single step I’m on, and He will reveal the next stone in due time.

Got to spend time with “J” yesterday, and we talked about this very subject. We live in a fallen world that is full of fog. Fog so dense that we can only see where we are. We can’t see the other cars until they pass us, and we can’t see the overpass until we have just gone under it. If you look in your rear view mirror you can see that there was something behind you…the past…you know it’s there, but it’s been forgiven, learned from, and let go. The other cars zooming past, well, they can’t see either, but they aren’t trusting God to guide them, that’s why they are zooming. Instead they are being careless and reckless. Assuming they can go about it without the help of God. But in reality they are just as blind as me. “J” reminded me of the fog. Reminded me that God is only going to reveal one step at a time. He won’t forsake me. He won’t forget me. I thought God had forgotten me because I was losing that thing I asked to be taken away…how silly I am!

My mom…she’s a wise one…reminded me also of God’s extreme love for me. God turned His back on His one and only Son so that He would NEVER have to turn His back on me. God will never forsake me because in Jesus’ greatest time of need, God’s face was turned away. That’s how much He loves me. I will always doubt. My flesh is weak, and Satan doesn’t want me to be empowered by the Holy Spirit. Satan wants to deceive me into believing that God will not sustain me and provide for my every need. No…God is waiting for me to just take one step on His chosen path..not twenty on my crash course.

I’m scared, but when that fear comes into my heart I just have to stop, pray, ask God to remove the doubt from my heart, and keep on keepin’ on. This way when I look calm, cool, and collected on the outside, I will be on the inside as well.

1 Peter 1:3-9

3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, 5who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.


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Filed under Faith, Loss, The Past

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