failure

Today I sang in Forum at school. It wasn’t a bad performance. It wasn’t my best. I forgot a lot of words, and there were other vocal things that I should have done better.

Today I didn’t do my best, and I was instantly angry at God.

My faith was tested. Satan began to push buttons. I succumbed. I failed.

Failure. It’s a word that no one wants to associate themselves with, and it’s a word that I give permission to follow me. It is constantly on my heels…waiting for when I stumble, whether it be a mighty stumble or a tiny mishap, it waits; patiently (an attribute with which I cannot seem to adorn myself).

I called my mom immediately, and began to cry, scream, plead, and beg her to tell me why God had obviously forsaken me! I didn’t use those terms, but that really was the jest of the conversation! I am in preparation of applying to graduate schools to pursue vocal performance because I want to sing! I have had great joy in finally coming to terms with that being what I want to do. What I feel God wants me to do. Then I perform. I perform poorly according to my standards. I forget words. I always forget words. My legs shake. I can’t engage my breathing mechanism. My soft palate falls. My vowels drift to the back of my throat. I slouch. I collapse. I fail.

My thought process is if I cannot memorize words, if I cannot get up and sing and remember the words, and if I cannot get up, sing, memorize words, and perform well then WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING APPLYING TO GRAD SCHOOL TO BE A PROFESSIONAL SINGER?!? Tis stupid to think I could do this. I am a fraud if I apply to schools and say..”Hey! I’m an excellent candidate for your program. You should accept me. Give me a great scholarship. Invest in me to be a great performer, but oh yeah…I can’t seem to ever remember words. I’m a hack, but please take me! Pick me!”

How easily I have been swayed today into believe that God cannot help me overcome this obstacle! Not only did I have a poor performance and fail according to my standards, but I failed in my faith today by accusing God of having forsaken me.

He gave me the passion to sing. It’s there. Now I must harness said passion and just do it. I will fail. I will screw up. I will forget words, but it is in the picking myself up process that I find success and God is glorified. It is only through His hand that I will be anything.

I cried. Tears streaming down my face. My mascara streaking my face black. I begged my mom to explain why God won’t simply tell me what I should do with my life! All I want is to serve Him. To have a job that glorifies Him and pays my bills. I just want to serve the Lord! What do I do with my life?!? Tell me, GOD!

I don’t know. He gave me a voice. I want to use this gift to glorify Him.

I questioned Him. I was filled with doubt. I failed. Now I pick myself up through His abounding grace, I beg His forgiveness, and I get back on the path towards seeking Him and only Him.Tears

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