Almost two years ago, a year and ten months to be exact, I met an individual to whom I gave my heart. The journey was heartbreaking, but I have since let go of said individual. Not long after we met I wrote a song for him. A song that spoke of two hearts left behind; finding peace and new love in one another. Two hearts that needed no words. A song of hope. I never played the song for him in person except through a recording. I didn’t tell him it was his, although how could he not know? He never loved me. Not even as a friend.
I learned much from that non-relationship relationship! I learned what I am worth. What I want. What I deserve. I learned mostly that someone else’s perspective of who you are is never who you are. Especially a perspective by someone who never could see what was right in front of them.
He once said to me that he wanted to love someone. He was waiting for love to find him…it found him. He just was too afraid to see it.
Tonight I picked up the guitar for the first time in months. I also spoke to him for the first time in quite a while. The moment I got on the phone I realized I didn’t want to talk to him about anything that was important or that mattered to me. I didn’t even want to talk to him about nonsense. I didn’t have a desire to talk to him at all. I also didn’t want to get off the phone. Why? Because the moment I hung up I knew that I would have truly let go completely of all things related to the past.
Back to the guitar….I began to strum. I played. I sang. I strummed some more and began to play his song. I went through the entire song, and after it was over I felt nothing. Well, I did feel one thing..a deep sadness. Not because I am sad to lose him. I never had him to lose, but because the song no longer meant anything to me. It never meant anything to anyone but myself, and now it didn’t even hold a place in my heart any longer.
The past…what do you do with it? You don’t dwell on it. You don’t ignore it. What do you do with it? You learn from it. Sounds extremely lame..yep..but you learn from it. I know I deserve more than he ever thought I did, and more than he ever gave.
Will I love again? I don’t know. I like to think I will, but I just don’t know. I will guard my heart until God explicitly commands for me to give it away. I will love those around me, but I will restrain it from loving in a romantic fashion until the right time.